"2020 Vision" Press Release
Listen up you fat pigs!
Running a global food empire comes with a heavy responsibility, and the founding directors of Great Northern Larder are all too aware of how small decisions we make can affect the planet and the physical and mental well-being of our loyal customers. So, today we are starting on a long journey of just 5 steps to make the world a better place. We uniquely and humorously call this our “2020 Vision”.
Step 1 – Veganism
We have decided that our products will no longer be made by animals. To that end, Laura has agreed to go back and finish finishing school, and Ruairi has agreed that he will stop fucking cursing on social media.
Step 2 – Mindfulness
Mindful Mondays is now an official GNL policy. Laura and I are going to post pictures of us doing handstands down by the harbour in Dundalk every Monday morning at 4am. When you look at these pictures (ignore the scrap metal being unloaded behind us – Dundalk is not Greystones – you have to work with what God gives you) you will feel a deep sense of calm and everything will be just fucking lovely in your life.
Step 3 – Carbon Footprint
As you know GNL is expanding into the USA in 2020, but expansion into foreign countries is not easy and a lot of research is needed. This unfortunately means flights, which means carbon, which means beachfront apartments in Tallaght. Nobody outside of Tallaght wants that. So, for our fact-finding mission to Las Vegas in March (kindly paid for by Enterprise Ireland) we have decided to reduce the size of the GNL contingent. So now it will be directors, financial advisers, web developers, key clients and customers, fresh veg suppliers, the apple cider vinegar man (Hi Olan), and associated family members. We WILL NOT now be taking a press core and our personal trainers.
Step 4 – Healthier Products
As you know our Scotch BBQ has a 25kg sack of sugar in every bottle. When we launched Scotch BBQ in 2018, we assumed people would understand the dangers and consume it in a responsible manner. Not so. We have stood by with jaws hanging open as you undisciplined bunch of slags brainwashed yourselves into thinking being a “foodie” was an excuse for being a durty animal. We even have delis and cafes serving the stuff to whole populations of small towns without so much as a health warning. Well before we are forced to do so by emergency EU legislation, we have decided to reduce the sugar content of Scotch BBQ. From now on there will be 24 kg in each bottle, and we will make up the deficit with extra molasses.
Step 5 – We Are Not Launching a Cookbook
Two gorgeous persons launch a food business, then make themselves pretty much famous by amassing 3000 followers on Facebook, then convince themselves they can cook a boiled potato better than 99% of the whackjobs out there, so they launch a book and call it by some poncey one-word title with a subtitle that explains the title because the title is meaningless nonsense. Like “Larder, Menus from a Sauce Company Run by Two People Who Buy a Lot of Takeaways” or “Great, These Fuckers Learned How to Mix Flour and Water and Now They Want To Show You How in 200 Glamourous Photographs” or “Sauce, Because No Matter How Hungry You Are You Won’t Eat This Shit Unless it is Covered in Ketchup”, or “Laura and Ruairi, Because The Publisher Said The Food is Foul So You Better Put Bags of Personality Into The Book”. Anyway –we are saving the planet by not doing that in 2020. Maybe in 2021.
We have a special offer for all you fat people today. We can’t guarantee it will make you skinny, but we can absolutely promise it will make you a little bit happier and it won’t make you any fatter.
Check out our “Skinny Box”. It contains 4 sauces that are fat free, have no added sugar, and extremely low calories. It is also contains 3 spice blends that are sugar free and 0 calories. To really help you to get taste and flavour into your life the box also contains calorie free and sugar free unpasteurised apple cider vinegar, Oriel Whiskey Smoked Sea Salt, and a bottle of Irish Wild Flax Seed Oil from Newgrange Gold to use as a salad dressing or healthy cooking oil.